By: Snarky Basterd
Feed Your ADHD
Thanks to a somewhat Regressive friend for playing along
and doing this fine Photochoppage for me.
DISTRICT OF CRIMINALS — Seeking to continue momentum on his stunning victory this week over Republicans at the Blair House Healthcare Summit, pResident Joker proposed a radical new way to pay for his $1 trillion healthcare bill:
“There will be a Republican retirement check in every American’s pocket and a relative’s false teeth in every American’s mouth,” the pResident said today, during his weekly radio address.
The pResident said he came up with the stunning new ideas after listening to Republicans blather on Thursday about useless ideas for fixing the broken healthcare system, such as the insanely naive proposal of TORT reform and the ridiculous concept of living in New York but buying cheaper health insurance from Wisconsin.
“The economy just doesn’t work that way,” the pResident said. “Everyone knows the marketplace is evil and that the only good things come from Washington, D.C., such as hot air and crack cocaine.”
The dramatic proposals break down like this:
Since half the country wants Democrats to stop working on the pResident’s dream bill for healthcare deform, and Conservative Americans outnumber Regressives by a 2 to 1 ratio, Obama will use the American Community Survey to root out anyone who identifies themselves as Republican or Conservative and deport them to China, where they’ll be much more comfortable living in a capitalist environment. In turn, the IRS will seize their assets and redistribute them based on need to anyone who indicates on the survey that they are Regressive.
“I think we’ll pick up at least a trillion dollars by the end of this year,” the pResident said.
Part two of the plan would take advantage of NY Congresscriminal Louise Slaughter’s revelation that Americans are now resorting to wearing their dead relatives’ false teeth to save on healthcare costs, by establishing a False Teeth Repository and Redistribution Exchange.
“I think that woman resorting to wearing her dead sister’s false teeth embodies that brilliant ingenuity that Americans are known for the world over, and since my plan doesn’t pay for dentures, we’ll also help take care of the landfill problem by simply recycling everyone’s false teeth when they die,” the pResident said.
In related news, The Wicked Witch of Congress continues to assert that she can magically create 400,000 jobs the minute healthcare deform passes, by crisscrossing America on her broom and crop-dusting with a potion made from eye of newt and toe of frog and brain of Republican.
Meanwhile, pResident Joker also announced he planned to help feed those among the nation’s 20 percent underemployed by nationalizing the major grocery store chains. “Breadlines are a sign of regress like no other I know of, except for maybe living without electricity and making clothing from bark,” the pResident said. “But I inherited a lot of problems, and I admit it’s taken me a lot longer than I expected to make things worse than they ought to be; we’ll get there eventually.”