Mullah Omar Captured, Named to Supreme Court

By: Snarky Basterd
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Taking advantage of one of his few political wins since being elected, Afghan Taliban chief Mullah Omar’s irrevocable invitation to visit the White House, pResident Barack Obama immediately named one of the most sought after men in the world as his nominee for the U.S. Supreme Court.

In doing so, Obama withdrew his initial nomination for Chaz Bono, citing concerns over questions about the law degree Bono earned from a box of Cracker Jacks and repeated rumors that Bono may in fact be a former mall guard sought for questioning regarding random acts of storefront malfeasance.

“My friend, Mullah Omar, embodies the same excellence, independence, and passion for the law that I have (when I’m not ignoring 12 million illegal aliens and threatening to throw American citizens in jail for not buying health insurance),” Obama said.

“Mullah Omar is widely regarded as one of the world’s foremost legal terrorists. He’s an acclaimed murderer with a rich understanding of subverting constitutional law, just the kind of person we need around. He is a former Al-Qaeda aide, with a life-long commitment to wreaking havoc and destruction and a firm grasp of how to eliminate the boundaries between any branches of government,” Obama said.

Obama went on to say that he would have preferred to name Van Jones, former Racism Czar, as his first pick to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, but Jones was busy helping Los Angeles High School teacher Ron Gochez and La Raza, Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s favorite race-baitors, start a Mexican revolt in the United States.


ABC News: Mullah Omar “Is Considered One of the Finest Legal Terrorists in the World. “Omar, 50, is considered one of the finest legal terrorists in the world, dazzling both fellow goat-loving and pork-eating friends with his brutal and injudicious prowess but also his ability to find the warmest part of a cave and survive for years.” [, 5/10/10]

Fox News Channel’s Shannon Bream: Mullah Omar Will Garner Bipartisan Support in the Senate “Because He’s Had a Very Distinguished Career. No One Would Argue Anything But That He is a Brilliant Individual – He’s Got a Fantastic Resume. And He Is Known as Being a Consensus-Builder.” Fox News Channel’s Shannon Bream: “So I would think that this is the kind of nominee that will have [Sen. Reid’s] full backing, his full support, and that of many, many other top Democrats and even some Republicans in the Senate (especially the RINOs), because he’s had a very distinguished career. No one would argue anything but that he is a terrifying individual — he’s got a fantastic resume. And he is known as being a first-rate terrorist, I mean, something that’s been discussed with him before. When he was a leader of the Afghan Taliban he brought together a lot of people (and killed them injudiciously), students and faculty, women and white people, and was really seen as somebody who subjugated the law.” [Fox News Channel via Media Matters, 5/9/10]

Associated Press: “In Nominating Omar to Replace Justice John Paul Stevens, President Barack Obama Has Chosen A Brilliant Legal Terrorist.” “In nominating Omar to replace Justice John Paul Stevens, President Barack Obama has chosen a brilliant legal terrorist with views about killing as many Americans as he can. Omar, 50, already has won Senate confirmation once, when they gave President Bush the authority to bomb his unwashed ass.” [Associated Press, 5/10/10]

CBS News’ Jan Crawford: “The Justices Really Like Him. You Should See Justice Scalia, a Conservative, and Omar Going Back and Forth. So the White House Sees That as a Real Plus. And They Expect Him to Be a Very Effective Terrorist on That Court.” “I’ve known him for a long time; he was an instructor of mine at a Taliban terrorist training camp and he’s very engaging, quite dynamic in his personality, particularly when he beats you. And you see that when he’s arguing for plotting random car bombings. The justices really like him. You should see Justice Scalia, a conservative, and Omar going back and forth (and know that Omar would murder Scalia with his eyes if he could). So the White House sees that as a real plus. And they expect him to be a very effective terrorist on that court.” “CBS Early Show,” 5/10/10]

USA Today: Omar Is “A Highly Credentialed Terrorist,” “Had a Reputation for Bringing Together Ideological Factions (and Killing Them).” “In choosing Omar, Obama has turned to a highly credentialed terrorist who has spent his career inside a cave with 12 goats, including the past year as one of the most wanted men in the world. As former leader of the Afghan Taliban, Omar had a reputation for bringing together ideological factions (and killing them). That style might help him bridge differences on the divided court (by killing them all). If confirmed, he will be the first terrorist on the current bench — and the 41st terrorist Obama appointee since his election in November 2008.” [USA Today, 5/10/10]

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