04/7/11

Think You’re Depressed Now?

By: T F Stern
T F Stern’s Rantings

Have you seen the commercials for anti-depressant drugs available to the public? Most of these products spots show a middle aged woman standing against a back drop of despair; a lifeless expression on her face as drudgery takes over where the enjoyment of life should have been. Then comes the mandatory inclusion of possible side effects; some people have had slight loss of hearing, vision, an increased level of depression or thoughts of suicide. If you notice any of these changes, not that you’d care since you’re already depressed, please contact your doctor as these symptoms could be life threatening.

The warnings don’t end there; in some cases these products have, on rare occasions, been suspected of causing liver damage, heart failure, sexual dysfunction, gastrointestinal issues such as diarrhea, constipation and severe gas. Some users have complained of dry mouth and these products, in some instances, are associated with the immune system’s reduced ability to fight off colds and other viruses. I’m not making this up, or am I?

Think you’re depressed now; wait until you take one of these products. If you’re lucky, you’ll continue to be simply depressed.

I’m waiting for the next step, a natural progression in advertizing:

“Call the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe if you or a relative have taken Crappylife, Bored2tears or Ghoahead-Jump Anti-Depressants. Our bored and certified professionals will help get you the money you deserve if you or a loved one committed suicide, been forced to use scissors with rounded tips, become a prisoner of the bathroom due to uncontrolled bowel movements, suffered liver failure or any number of product related injuries. Call us today; nothing like a huge court settlement to brighten your day!”

Disclaimer: Products listed are fictitious and should not be taken even if you are depressed to the point of wanting to end it all. The law firm of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe is fictitious and yet they’ve been credited with legal victories in all 57 states.

This article has been cross-posted to The Moral Liberal, a publication whose banner reads, “Defending The Judeo-Christian Ethic, Limited Government & The American Constitution.”