By: Red Square
The People’s Cube
No, comrades: this isn’t our work. This is life imitating the People’s Cube at Wonkette’s online store, among other visually agitating items we call “prog porn,” accompanied by this bizarre description:
Look at you, DRINKIN’ COFFEE! Tea is for losers. Who is yelling at the banks, because it is a day? Professorski Elizabeth Warrenovna, that is who! Let Professor Schoolmarm E. Dubs save your coffee, from the man!
How can you top that which is already over the top? Just recently we used to satirize progs by extrapolating their points to reveal the absurdity and immorality of their ideas. Today, they leave us no room for extrapolation – or for imagination for that matter – by removing the last remaining fig leaf and proudly exhibiting their own absurdity and immorality in all its anatomically correct, pornographic ugliness.
Prog porn is often the easy solution to dealing with life’s problems, but remember that it often causes the very problems from which you’re trying to escape and can be a more difficult addiction to break than traditional porn.
Five Stages of Addiction to Prog Porn
- Early exposure. Most prog porn addicts start early. They see the stuff when they are very young, and it gets its foot in the door.
- Addiction. You keep coming back to stare at prog porn. It becomes a regular part of your life. You’re hooked and can’t quit.
- Escalation. You start to look for increasingly hardcore prog porn and conspiracy theories that would have disgusted you when you started. Now it excites you.
- Desensitization. Eventually, you start to become numb. Even the most violent, cult-of-personality, labor-camp prog porn doesn’t excite you anymore. You become desperate to feel the same thrill again but can’t find it.
- Acting out proggishly. At this point, you make a dangerous jump and start acting out in the streets. You move from online prog porn to the real world, and possibly ask your parents to buy you a ticket to Ferguson, Mo.
Some of you reading this may have already developed an addiction to prog porn. If you see any of the above patterns in your life, you need to get a grip. Are you trolling online more frequently? Are you starting to be insulting or act out in the streets for proggish thrills? If you see yourself at any point on this progression, you need to take this test.
Quiz: Are You Addicted to Prog Porn?
Rate every answer as follows: Never: 0 | Occasionally: 1 | Often: 2 | Most of the time: 3
- Do you spend more than 11 hours a week watching MSNBC?
- Does your reading of the Huffington Post have a negative impact on your relationships?
- Does trolling on the Internet get in the way of your work or seeing friends and family?
- Do you ever choose to watch the Daily Show over hanging out with friends or family?
- How often do you imagine yourself being Barack Obama as a way of making yourself feel less depressed or bored?
- Do you ever feel like you should try to stop listening to NPR?
- Do you ever have problems formulating your own original thoughts in a conversation?
- Do you fantasize about what you’ve read on the Daily Cos to get in the mood for human interaction?
- Have you discovered that now you need to visit Communist Party websites to get the same buzz?
Under 8 – You’re probably not an addict, but if you come from a prog family, you could be at risk. Make sure you have intellectual experiences that are prog-porn-free and develop strategies for coping with stress and boredom, like getting a job.
9- 15 – Your habit borders on problematic – so cut back on TV and the Internet for a while so your dopamine levels can re-calibrate. If you’re having issues with your non-prog parents or your uncaring girlfriend, try facing them head on instead of escaping into the fantasy world of prog porn.
16-20 – You’re almost definitely an addict, one presidential election away from becoming a sociopath. If you’re noticing that prog porn is having a negative impact on your career or relationships, now is the time to seek out a 12-step group like Prog Porn Addicts Anonymous or at least sign up for The People’s Cube mailing list.
20+ – It may be too late for you to stop being a loser and have a meaningful human interaction. By now you probably don’t even enjoy MSNBC but you’re still inexplicably feel driven to watch it. What started as a joke to get back at your parents and stick it to The Man, turned into a habit and then into a curse. Try switching to being a traditional porn addict or a dysfunctional alcoholic – at least then you can get professional help.