What a Complete Doonesbury
Chris Muir – Day by Day Cartoon
Chris Muir – Day by Day Cartoon
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It has become our New Year tradition to team up with Will Beria, our Listmaster of Things that Didn’t Happen, and make an official statement. See our lists for the years of 2012 and 2013.
This time, however, instead of a summary of things that didn’t happen in the past year, we are offering a list of Top Ten Things To Come in the coming year.
1. Recovery will reach escape velocity and escape the economy altogether
2. All executive orders will be declared constitutional by executive order
3. Robert Kennedy Jr. will apologize for being white and male, blaming his parents
4. The New York Times will cut operating costs by replacing fact-checkers with rubber stamp
5. A Harvard professor will find evidence proving evidence proves nothing
6. City of San Francisco will be leveled because steep hills made it handicap inaccessible
7. Nobel-winning economists will admit bafflement that deficit keeps growing despite increased government spending
8. Last Baby Boomer will go kicking and screaming into his 60s; generation will be renamed ‘Crybaby Boomers’
9. Congress will stand up to Wall Street; bankers will take their seats
10. Sesame Street will sue Letter ‘S’ for monopolizing both plural and possessive nouns
In more News From the Future:
A Supreme Court decision in “Fabian and Fabian versus America” will result in a declaration that naming governmental entities (cities, states, etc.) or taxpayer-supported institutions after Christian saints or personages is in violation of the separation of church and state. Additionally, using for this purpose the name of a Caucasian and/or male is declared racist and/or sexist in violation of the equal protection clause and/or something in the Constitution the Supreme Court will defer explaining to the future.
In light of the decision, San Francisco will revert to Yerba Buena and the City of Angels, Los Angeles, will become Los Humanas. The state of Pennsylvania will become the all-inclusive Pansylvania, Pittsburgh will become Peoplesburgh, and Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love, will be rechristened renamed Philatransgendoria. St. Louis will become Middleopolis. Their pro sports teams will follow suit: the Rams will become the gender-neutral Middleopolis Sheep, and the Cardinals will become the Laypersons.
The USA itself will drop the connection to Amerigo Vespucci and become the USNC, United States of North Continenta. Disassociating from Columbus and Washington, the capitol will be renamed Omnicity, District of Potomaca. The NFL franchise will follow suit, becoming the Omnicity Redskins.
Dedicated to HarperCollins, which recently published atlases scrubbed of the existence of the state of Israel, so as not to hurt the feelings of its Middle East customers. Reported by our friend and frequent contributor, Marion D.S. Dreyfus. Illustrated by Red Square, People’s Director.
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Al Jazeera HQ have now inched across the continent to Vienna, closer to the station’s European audiences, in the hundreds of millions. Of course, Vienna has been the mighty capital of the Austro-Hungarian Caliphate since 1683, after the army of the Ottoman Empire and its fiefdoms commanded by Grand Vizier Mustafa Pasha liberated the city from the infidel occupiers who spoke in some gibberish, now-forgotten dialect. Vienna was chosen over the Islamic Republic of al-Andalus (known as Spain prior to 711 CE) due to superior in-house plumbing and more obedient servants.
Kim Jong Il, still ill, hands over the North Korean barrens to his daughter, Kim Jong Kimberly, a pretty little thing also fond of basketball. She is engaged to an American athlete, Dennis Rodman, who has just left the bedside of his former fiancée, Justina Bieber.
President Ted Cruz recently jailed former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for crimes linked to Benghazi, along with an unspecified number of co-conspirators involved in the ambassadorial conflagration and deaths of many American servicemen and diplomatic corps. Her dresser and fashion consultant, Huma Abedin, was given special dispensation to visit Ms. Clinton, a widow, incarcerated as much for style abuses as incompetence in office. She has sort of renounced her Muslim Brotherhood linkage. Time will tell. (Kidding.)
The Antarctic, now in the bearish sphere of USSR influence, has been declared a Nyet-Go zone, as the Soviets under the leadership of General Secretary Leonid Putin extract minerals and precious commodities from the icy substrate, thereby increasing their country’s output to more than just oil, vodka and wooden nested dolls, to include permafrost yields.
The bastard child of Stanley Ann Dunham, a multi-married amateur anthropologist and former pornographer’s model for a petty Communist drug seller cum photographer in Chicago, was successfully aborted, following the opportune 1961 Roe v. Wade court decision. Ms. Dunham married a local boy, moved to Tallahassee, and began teaching Secret Byways of the Middle East, having instead of her first abortee tissue-waste two others, both Caucasian, moderate socialists in good standing, dabbling in comic-book culture. Both have purchased but rejected the annals of radicalism peddled by one Saul Alinsky, who piddled out before his little book gained much traction.
Saddam Hussein, still living large in his capacious palace in Baghdad, has genially handed the reins of his Iraqi domain to paradigms-in-chief, Cusay and Uday, for managerial continuity. The Hussein brothers appear often in the backrooms of clubs, dragging attractive young wives of other men into their lairs for a touch of R&R (rape and recuperation). Iraq continues its long, slow smolder as it is kept in check by the Hussein brothers.
The war in the disputed Falklands, waged by the British under PM Margaret Thatcher, assisted by an aged Winnie Churchill well past his sell-by date, was lost to the Argentineans, and the Brits turned tail and went back, frigates between their navy, to the Emerald Isle–but without their legendary millennial mini-territory. The islands are now dubbed the Malvinas everywhere, including the British texts taught to the largely Wahhabist students of the UK.
Sen. Edward Kennedy succeeded in re-election after he saved Mary Jo Kopechne from his sinking Oldsmobile following a senatorial after-hours carouse with senate aides attended by all-female secretaries and all-male Senate staffers. Kennedy is happily ensconced in a retirement home in Boca, frequently entertaining his playboy nephew, William Kennedy Jones, who is occasionally up to his old tricks, climbing trees as a prank, peering into women’s dorms. Hyannis, the longtime Kennedy family preserve, is now in the possession of Steve Jobs, still going strong in his creative electronics mold, though considerably poorer, given the failure of his pet computer innovations of the ’90s and ’00s.
Ahmadinejad, the little sad grocer in Tehran, is said to be becoming expert in the mystic arts of Hom’s exotic carpet weaving. His silken output commands fees in excess of $10,000 for a room-sized floor covering. Guaranteed to last. Diplomats to Iran’s peaceable kingdom are as usual enjoying the embassy, with its luxe pools and amenities.Having won the war, Japan has instituted mandatory Kan’ji calligraphy coursework in all secondary schools, with lunchrooms across the land featuring sushi, wasabi, and soy sauce with modified sodium. The Deutsche curricula have been suspended for the past 60 years, as the Midnight Sun emperor decided German was too taxing on the throat and vocal chords of most speakers. And since the Japanese beat all the rest of the armies in 1949, Germans and Germanica were dispensable.
The State of Israel, a never-was, has been economically excised from the atlases of Harper/Creations, to suit the mindset and offsets of their clients in the Middle East, from Sea to Bloody Sea. Funded by the recent great gas and oil finds in the Mediterranean, named al-Leviathan and al-Tamarisk, they have money to burn, among other things. Jordan, peaceful Syria, and Mahmoud Abash are currently running a quiet casino of Mafia-like accountability and incautious income. Palestinian marginals are still dispersed and hanging in with UNRWA in 57 Muslim countries. All are invited into the Magic Kingdom. C’mon down, and shukran, y’all.
Marion D.S. Dreyfus | Illustrations by Red Square, People’s Director