A NEW, ORIGINAL SHORT STORY: The Thrilling Adventures of Secret Agent Double-Oh Boener

Doug Ross @ Journal

The name’s Boener. John Boener.

While you may know me as the Speaker of the House in Congress and a Republican, by night I’m actually a secret agent.

I plopped down on the last open barstool and waited for the bartender to swing by.

It was getting harder and harder to find a bar in DC where I wouldn’t be recognized. After a careful check of an old AAA map, though, I’d found one that was certain to be off the political grid.

The big fat guy next to me was wearing a cheap suit and a clip-on tie. He rotated his stool 90 degrees to face me.

“Hey, Mr. Speaker! How’z ya doin’?”

“Eh, I’m not John Boener,” I grumpily intoned, “Get mistaken for him all the time. Name’s, uh, Smokey Smith.”

Before he got a chance to say anything more, the bartender ambled up.

“Give me a Southern Comfort and Ginger Ale with lemons, olives, and a maraschino cherry,” I said, “And make it shaken, not stirred.”

The bartender looked surprised.

“You want Ginger Ale shaken? But, sir –”

“You heard me, sonny! And put some elbow grease into it!”

Seeing the expression on my face, he hurriedly departed to make the Boener signature drink, one not found in any book.

What’s my mission as a secret agent? I’m out to build the federal government into the biggest, most powerful organization on Earth. Oh, and if I just happen to amass a tidy little profit while I do it, so much the better.

If that means partnering with the radical Left, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. We’re all adults here, right? If we’re not out for ourselves, who will be?

My goal is to retire with $50 million in the bank and I’m on track, provided I can close a few more sweetheart deals. To get there, I’m going to help create the biggest and most powerful lobbying firm in Washington.

I was biding my time in this bar where no one knew me, waiting to rendezvous with my contact.

I knew him only as ‘Harrison J. Bounel’, but a waiter had called him “Barry” once when we were sharing a flavored tobacco hookah in a bar he favored in Dupont Circle.

I had 20 minutes to kill, so I finished my drink and then pounded down three more while watching the talking heads on MSNBC. Finally, it was time to go.

I carefully made my way outside. I wasn’t drunk, just a little dizzy. Low blood pressure, maybe.

The valet pulled up a few minutes later with my White Cadillac CTS Coupe. I tipped him $5, climbed in and headed back down K Street to the Pavilion Garage.

That’s where I’d been told to meet Harrison by a secure email. There was no “from” address on the email, just the mysterious initials “VJ”.

Harrison and I were to rendezvous on the very top level of the garage. I was to flash my headlights three times. Or was it five?

Oh, screw it. “One — two — five.”

The startlingly bright lamps lit up an almost empty garage level three times.

Moments later, a large black limo silently drove the wrong way up the exit ramp to the same level I was on.

A driver wearing a dark suit got out and yanked open the rear driver’s side door. A thin, tall man — he was wearing a track suit with a hoodie and dark glasses to obscure his face — got out.

He looked like he could have been a dancer at one time. He gracefully sauntered over to the passenger side of my car, opened up the long door, and climbed in.

“Harrison,” I said, “how are you doing?”

“Just great, Smokey,” he replied with a grin.

“You heard that conversation in the bar?”

“Indeed I did.”

He grinned and his teeth were bright white, all the more startling in a darkened car.

“I’ve got my spies everywhere,” he said.

I blurted out the question I’d been dying to ask since I had met him nearly six years ago.

“Just who are you?”

“A friend, just a friend. And I have some extremely powerful colleagues who are interested in making you a very, very wealthy man.”

He continued, talking expressively.

“Look, just a few more years and you’ll be in a position to make millions from Obamacare consulting as co-chairman of the biggest lobbying firm in Washington with your partner Eric Bahlz.”

He grinned again, “Just think of it: all legislation of import funneled through Bahlz and Boener!”

“That’s ‘Boener and Bahlz’, thank you,” I replied.

“Fine. Look, John, your mission is simple. I want you to fund m-, I mean Obama’s, Executive Amnesty and Obamacare through October.”

“October? The Tea Party nuts will crucify me!”

“Who cares? They don’t have any power. You, McCarthy and Scalise are all sensible gents. The Tea Party crazies can’t block anything. Work with the Democrats and get a CR passed for the entire fiscal year.”

“But how am I supposed to sell this? Everyone’s going to be pissed!”

“Tell ’em you’ll defund everything next year. Just like you did all the times before. It’s not that hard, John.”

I sighed.

“Oh, okay. I’ll get it done. I’ll have to lie to a few of the die-hard wingers, but that’s to be expected, I guess.”

“That’s using your noggin, John.”

He patted my hand and his touch lingered.

“I really like you,” he said. “I really do.”

“Me too,” I replied, getting a little uncomfortable with his warm touch.

“In a few years, you leave Congress. You start your lobbying firm. And ‘Boener and Bahlz” will be on every Democrat’s lips.”

“Okay,” I intoned, “I’ll take care of it.”

He opened the door and stared at me for a few long seconds.

“I’m proud of you, John. We make a good team.”

The door slammed shut and I watched him stroll back to his car.

I needed another drink. Or three.



Sen. Ted Cruz Urges Colleagues to Stop President Obama’s Unconstitutional Amnesty

Hat Tip: BB

Amnesty Spending Bill Delayed: Cruz at Work UPDATE Sat 12/13/14

Cruz, Lee Win War with Harry Reid, Force Vote Against Executive Amnesty

Ted Cruz is pissing off the ENTIRE U.S. Senate over Obama’s illegal immigration action!

Cruz Challenges Constitutionality of Cromnibus Over Immigration

Cruz, Lee Lead GOP Senate Attack on Spending Bill

Louie Gohmert’s take on how John Boehner can stay on as Speaker of the House

Fighting John Boehner and other fairy tales.

Laura Ingraham to Boehner on Cromnibus Cramdown: ‘We Will Not Forget the Betrayal’

Palin: ‘RINO Season Opens Soon And Don’t Hold Back’

Conservatism’s ‘funding father’ blasts GOP betrayal

‘This was ALL about AMNESTY!’ – Michelle Bachmann on why she voted against the CRomnibus bill

Boehner to Aide-Turned-Lobbyist: ‘No One Ever Really Leaves Boehnerland’


Media Struggle to Save Obama, Not the Country

By: Cliff Kincaid
Accuracy in Media

A story in Thursday’s Washington Post about establishing Obama’s “foreign policy legacy” goes a long way toward explaining why the Senate Democrats and the media have been trashing the Bush administration’s very productive enhanced interrogation program as “torture.”

Titled “Obama’s foreign policy plans collide with wars abroad and politics at home,” the story by Greg Jaffe and Juliet Eilperin made it clear that CIA director John Brennan’s defense of the agency had thwarted Obama’s plan “to move the country beyond what he [Obama] has described as the fearful excesses of the post-9/11 era.” While Obama has banned what he calls “torture,” he has failed to close the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base (Gitmo), established by the Bush administration to house terrorist suspects. Other problems outlined in the Post article include the continuing war in Afghanistan and a new war in Iraq and Syria against ISIS.

What Obama calls “torture” is what the media call “torture.” If you needed any more proof of a pro-Obama media bias, just look at how regularly the personalities on CNN, supposedly more moderate than MSNBC, have adopted his terms of the debate. This is the media’s way of saying that Obama was right and that it’s good he has banned this way of getting information from terrorists. Never mind that Obama’s way of murder through drone strikes is decidedly more “harsh.” Bush grilled them, Obama kills them.

Without a foreign policy “legacy” of some kind, Obama’s two terms will look like a failure and the Democrats will be doomed in 2016.

Domestically, his only real “accomplishment” at this point looks like the Eric Holder policy of suspending enforcement of federal marijuana laws. This will be a “legacy” of interest to fellow pothead members of Obama’s “Choom Gang” in Hawaii, and the emerging cannabis industry.  But it’s doubtful most people will appreciate this historic development.

Obama’s signature “accomplishment” in domestic affairs, Obamacare, has been exposed as a massive fraud and deception. According to a new CBS News poll, race relations have dramatically deteriorated under the first black president. It’s true he is moving forward unconstitutionally with amnesty for illegal aliens. But House Republicans are promising to do something about that next year. The economy is still lackluster. So foreign policy is really his only hope of doing anything positive, and he’s running into the facts of life there, too. The terrorist attack in Benghazi, Libya, that killed four Americans is only one part of his legacy. The legacy of that attack hurts both Obama and Hillary Clinton, his former Secretary of State and likely 2016 Democratic candidate. And it’s doubtful that an Iran with nuclear weapons would qualify as a positive foreign policy legacy for Obama, either.

One can suppose that Obama will try to claim he was the one who got Osama bin Laden. But Brennan made it clear on Thursday that the enhanced interrogation techniques (EITs) from the Bush-era played a role in killing the terrorist kingpin. Brennan said, “It is our considered view that the detainees who were subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques provided information that was useful and was used in the ultimate operation to go against bin Laden. Again, intelligence information from the individuals who were subjected to EITs provided information that was used in that. Again, I am not going to attribute that to the use of the EITs; just going to state as a matter of fact, the information that they provided was used.”

What Brennan is saying is that he cannot pinpoint with any degree of accuracy that a particular form of interrogation led to the terrorists divulging certain information. That’s because nobody was taking precise notes on when terrorist X or Y said one thing or another at any particular time in the interrogation process. But the record is clear that the EITs contributed to the terrorists getting to the point where they decided to spill their guts.

CNN, which is increasingly trying to sound like MSNBC, headlined the Brennan news conference as “Brennan: No Proof Harsh Tactics Led to Useful Info.” How can his phrase that “intelligence information from the individuals who were subjected to EITs provided information that was used” to get bin Laden be interpreted as “proof” that it wasn’t useful? CNN was lying. CNN gave the opposite impression of what he actually said.

Before he held his news conference, Brennan met with Obama and was probably instructed to finesse his language somewhat so that a certain amount of ambiguity could be left in some minds. CNN and other media tried to take advantage of that for Obama’s sake. Still, Brennan’s statement was a vindication of the Bush policy. That means that any attempt by Obama to claim credit for the death of bin Laden will ring hollow. There goes his foreign policy legacy.

These facts help explain the desperation of the media and why they have adopted Obama’s rhetoric on “torture.” They must figure that if they use the term often enough, many people will assume that the techniques were, in fact, torture. In order to drive that point home, Andrea Mitchell of NBC News used the Brennan news conference to mention some of the techniques. She referred to “waterboarding, near drowning, slamming people against the wall, hanging them in stress positions, confining them in small boxes or coffins, threatening them with drills, waving guns around their head as they are blindfolded…”

She could have mentioned the horrible deaths suffered by those in the World Trade Center or the Pentagon or Flight 93 on 9/11. She could have mentioned the 9/11 jumpers—the people who jumped from the towers rather than be burned to death.

But Mitchell didn’t think it was worth mentioning any of that.

CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and Jake Tapper have been fixated by a phrase in the Senate Democratic report on “rectal rehydration.” Tapper called it a form of torture. In fact, it’s a medical procedure to keep the terrorists alive when they resist sustenance. Would Tapper have preferred that the terrorists be allowed to die? Then the program would have come in for even stronger criticism. This goes to show that all of this discussion is just another attempt to tarnish the Bush presidency and make Obama look good by comparison. Tapper said he was dumbfounded by the talk of “rectal rehydration.”

No, he was just dumb.

Obama, the Senate Democrats and the media look foolish and unpatriotic. It looks like they are deliberately playing into the hands of America’s enemies in order to score partisan political points. Obama has abandoned proven techniques to get information from, and about, terrorists and has adopted in their place a policy of killing the terrorists and their families through drone strikes that don’t yield any intelligence data at all. How on earth does this make any sense?

From an objective point of view, does a Hellfire missile hitting a human being look more or less “harsh” than waving a gun over someone’s head, turning on a drill, or pouring water on a terrorist?

The answer should be obvious to anyone with half a brain. But most of our media are so determined to save Obama’s presidency that they can’t think clearly.

The Post and other media are desperate to construct a “legacy” for America’s first black president. The real concern should be saving the country, not Obama’s presidency.


Feinstein ‘Torture Report’ outs C. Martel as Islamophobe

By: Komissar al-Blogunov
The People’s Cube

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Diane Feinstein’s recently released report on controversial CIA interrogation practices indicts, not only the Bush administration, but also all previous administrations going back to the controversial leader of the Franks, Charles Martel, and his victory over the moderate Muslim community at Tours in 732 AD, which can only be described as a gross law enforcement misconduct and hate crime.

Citing inside information from medieval Latin and Arabic sources, the report prepared by Feinstein’s staffers details a shocking degree of intolerance and Islamophobia on the part of Charles Martel’s administration and the army of Franks, who countered the peaceful expansion of moderate Muslims into Europe via Spain with such violent hatred that historians suspect could only be explained by racist motives.

“Clearly this was racial profiling on part of the Frankish administration,” determined Yale historian Dr. Hussein al-Isis. “Franks and other white Europeans were simply uncomfortable around brown Middle Easterners, no matter how harmless their intentions.”

While mostly white contemporary historians crowed about a “Christian victory over Islam,” understandably bitter and disaffected members of the Muslim community, victimized by Martel’s extremist policies, were compelled to fend for themselves while retreating through the Pyrenees shouting, “Hands up, don’t spear me!” and “Death to Infidels!” Through no fault of their own, villages were plundered and citizens killed by some of the elements within the otherwise peaceful group of Muslim protesters, who became radicalized as a result of racism and gross civil right violations.

“I was disgusted at what we uncovered,” said an indignant Senator Diane Feinstein. “Instead of empathizing with the Muslim community and hearing their side of the story – instead of trying to find common ground and a mutually acceptable compromise through interfaith dialogue and negotiations, the bigoted leader of Franks chose to kill the Muslim leader, Abdul Rahman al-Ghafiqi.”

“For this sickening display of barbarism,” added Feinstein, “he received the nickname of Martel, meaning ‘the Hammer,’ and has continued to symbolize the greatest threat to world peace and harmony until his title “the Hammer” was passed to the Republican leader Tom Delay.

“We have only ourselves to blame for this mess,” opined foreign policy expert and former presidential candidate, Ron Paul. “If Martel had not unilaterally meddled in Middle Eastern affairs, then there wouldn’t have been any of that blowback. The fact that Islam was spreading by violent conquest a century before the Battle of Tours is a direct result of Martel’s misguided foreign adventures.”

At a White House press conference, President Obama informed reporters that “I just found out about the Battle of Tours while watching History Channel, and let me tell you, nobody is angrier about this than I am. I have asked our outgoing attorney general, Eric Holder, to immediately investigate Martel’s activities, to get to the bottom of this issue, and if possible, to take legal action against Charles Martel and the Frankish Kingdom. We will not rest until we have a conviction.”

Nevertheless, the president did appeal for restraint. “As you protest, you’re probably thinking like I’m thinking: this is the result of over a millennia of documentable Islamophobia. You know, this touches me on a personal level: Abdul Rahman al-Ghafiqi looks just like Michelle with a beard. This isn’t just a Shia problem, or a Sunni problem, or a Sufi problem, it’s an American problem. While I understand the rage, the calls for Jihad, the desire to impale all white Christians and burn down their churches, let’s everybody stay calm and let social justice take its course.”

Meanwhile, protesters holding posters of al-Ghafiqi were blocking major highways in large cities across America, and NFL players were seen charging onto the field, then collapsing and shouting, “Hands up, don’t spear me!”